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Shame, What is it good For?

Shame, What is it Good For? Absolutely Nothing!When I first read/heard  Brené Brown's distinction between guilt and shame it really resonated with me.

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake?” How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.

 Brené Brown

 I could look back over my past and see where guilt was helpful and shame was not.  The way I have internalized this is:

Guilt: Reflection poor behavior, and seeing it at odds with how I think about myself.

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Shame: Reflection on poor behavior and seeing in inline with how I think about myself.

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When I first read this I thought of it complete as an inward exercise; what can I do to embrace guilt and avoid shame.  This is a deep question and not the subject of this article.  What I want to discuss here is how we can induce guilt or shame in others with how we engage in poor behavior.
Shame the Change Stopper Brené Brown goes on to talk about how shame is a barrier to change.

You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.

 Brené Brown

While it might be counter-intuitive,  people feeling shame are less likely to change. It can actually create a new barrier to change.

Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.

 Brené Brown

So if we are talking to someone about poor behavior we want to ensure we do not induce shame or they will be less likely to adjust.
 Isolate Behavior from IdentitySo if we want to induce change we want to separate behavior from self-image. Our goal should be to separate the person from the behavior that we want to change. And the worse is when we associate the behavior with the self.  Lefts go through some examples: 

You are a rambler, for example, yesterday's call.

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In yesterday's call, I think you kept talking about X even after everyone got the point.

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You make people defensive.

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The way you said that put me on the defensive.

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You are not really a good public speaker.

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Here are some things about your talk I thought could be improved.

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You are racist when you call a "Pow Wow" meeting

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Using "Pow wow" for a quick chat is disrespectful to Native American Traditions."

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In each of these examples, we have isolated the behavior we want to identify, away from the individual
Contrast Behavior and IdentityThe next step is to couple that with the self that is different than the behavior.
So let's stick with the same example and see if we can add to them to contrast.
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Path to Redemption Finally we want to show how the change will help put their behavior in line with their identity, not add odds with it.

I know you are direct and to the point kind of person that want to get things done, the way you said that put me on the defensive 

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I know you would not want to offend, but using "Pow wow" for a quick chat is disrespectful to Native American Traditions."

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e2thex.org Last Updated: 3/22/2022