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The Passive Voice of Responsibility

I want to start by stating that this essay is not for everyone. I think there might very well be people out there whose circumstance really do force their hand, and there are things they have to do. And there are jobs where the consequence of one's actions can have life and death effects. But chances are this is not you. And that means you don't have to do anything.

So I want to propose that if we do not have to do anything, we should stop saying that we have to. I want to offer a two-step process to move away from "have to."

Example to Start With

Let's start with a few examples where one might use "have to" language:
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I have to reschedule our one on one.
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Example One
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This work has to be done by Monday morning.
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Example Two
There is no doer in both examples; there are only people having things done to them. It's the passive voice of responsibility. It removed all agency as well as turning off our reasoning brain.

Step 1: Say What You Want

You are about to do something. You are making a choice. Start by saying this is what you want to do. "Want" might not feel like the right word, but if there is something else you want to do more you should do that instead.
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I want to reschedule our one on one.
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Example One
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I want this work done by Monday morning.
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Example Two
In this step, you are taking ownership of what is happening; you stop things from happening to you or happening around you.

As you do, you will most likely be very uncomfortable. By making someone (in this case, you) the actor, you will feel the need to explain why you want such things. This is great! Lean in and...

2. Explain Your Want

In step two, justify your want; tell someone why you want what you do.
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I want to reschedule our one on one because I have a conflict with a client meeting, if I miss that meeting, there is a risk that the team will get off on the wrong foot.
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Example Two
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I want this work done by Monday morning, if we don't have it done, then we risk the client canceling the project.
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Example Two
This now gives the person you are talking to context about the choices you are making. It also opens the door for you to be wrong. They can respond with, "I hear that is important; please hear me out on my want." Or to disagree with your assessment of the situation. In short, it gives them information and an invitation to engage. By asserting your agency you also return theirs.

Conclusion

In step one, you empowered yourself by establishing that your actions are yours; in step two, you empower others by giving them the opening to talk about why you might be wrong.

Using "have to" might feel like a shortcut, but in the end, it only shortcuts agency.

©Erik Summerfield 2022

e2thex.org Last Updated: 3/22/2022